How to cope with grief and loss after a funeral

Despite grief and loss being a universal experience, it remains commonly misunderstood. Grieving is a natural process that occurs in the aftermath of losing a loved one. The process of grieving hurts, but it can be helpful for coming to terms with a loss that allows one to move forward in life. Below, we’ve answered common questions around grief and what to expect.

What is grief?

Grief is the emotional, cognitive, functional, and behavioral response to a loss. In less technical terms, it's what we think and feel on the inside and how we process our emotions after a loss. As we integrate our old life with our new life, we may be constantly reminded of our loved one and experience emotions that prevent us from being able to perform some or all of the tasks in our daily life. The grief we experience immediately after a loss is known as "acute grief" and it is usually when we will feel the most intense emotions. As time passes, the intense, sad emotions that typically come in waves are spread further apart. This leads to what is known as "integrated grief", which is when the reality and meaning of the loss are assimilated with our new life and we can engage once again in satisfying relationships and activities.

The process from acute to integrated grief may not be so straightforward for everyone and can be depend on whether your response to grief is "complicated" or "uncomplicated". More detail on these subtypes of grief below.

Are grief and mourning the same thing?

No, but it can be confusing to differentiate between the two as many people tend to experience both after a loss. Grief is our internal response to a death. Examples include fear, loneliness, panic, pain, yearning, anxiety and emptiness. Mourning is an external display of how we cope with a loss by talking, crying, journaling, letter writing, or using art and music as a means of expressing our grief.

Is grief the same for everyone?

No, everyone grieves differently. Everyone has a unique reaction to loss and may have different needs during the grieving process which is completely normal. Unfortunately, there is no quick fix to resolve grief, despite how painful it may be.

What are the different types of grief?

Grief has many forms and not all of them are the result of a loss or happen immediately. Each of these may trigger a different type of grief response which can be complicated or uncomplicated. These common types of grief include:

Grief from loss

• Occurs when we lose a loved one or someone close to us. This is the most common type of grief people experience.

Traumatic Grief

• Occurs from loss that is unexpected, stigmatized, and/or violent and can trigger trauma symptoms in conjunction to the grief and mourning process.

Anticipatory Grief

• When someone faces a serious medical condition or life-threatening illness and the emotions of sadness, fear, or loneliness start emerging before the loss itself.

Disenfranchised Grief

• When someone feels oppressed, discriminated against, or otherwise invalidated for their loss.

Collective Grief

• Refers to shared, communal suffering experienced by many members of a community or society in response to events such as natural disasters, wars, terrorist attacks, or the death of a public figure.

Inhibited Grief

• Happens when someone focuses their attention on other responsibilities rather than their feelings.

Delayed Grief

• May emerge from inhibited grief, but it can also occur when an experience triggers grief over a loss from a previous developmental stage or season of life.

What is the difference in complicated and uncomplicated grief?

Grief is bucketed into two subtypes of grief; complicated and uncomplicated. These categories do not necessarily measure how painful the grief you experience is, but rather how long grief impacts your ability to function "normally" in your daily life. While uncomplicated grief tends to be tolerable and self-limited, complicated grief is persistent and debilitating to functioning in the absence of treatment. People experiencing complicated grief should consider working with a therapist that can help them navigate their grief. To learn more about grief therapy, please read this article.

How long does the grief last?

Grief does not have a set time frame. Grief can last for weeks, months or even years after the loss of a loved one. Holidays, major life events or anniversaries may exacerbate feelings of grief. Grieving may always be in the background for some, however grief does tend to lessen in intensity overtime.

What's the difference between grief and depression?

Grief and depression can sometimes look a lot alike. Grief and depression can coexist, and you may develop grief related depression following prolonged grief. However, grief is the result of loss and the intensity of it does tend to decrease over time. Grief is a complex experience in which positive emotions are experienced alongside negative ones. As time passes, the intense, sad emotions that typically come in waves are spread further apart. Typically, these waves of emotions occur when we are reminded of our loved one.

Alternatively, depression involves a general sense of apathy, feelings of worthlessness, lack of joy and it tends to be more persistent and pervasive in nature than grief. It is characterized as having significant difficulty in experiencing self-validating and positive feelings.

Untreated depression after bereavement carries the extra burden of prolonging the pain and suffering associated with grief. Societally, we tend to misattribute and normalize bereavement symptoms, leaving vulnerable grieving individuals exposed to the burden of untreated depression and the stressful demands of coping with their recent loss. To learn more about how to get seek professional help for grief or depression, please read this article.

What if I don't feel like I’m experiencing the 5 stages of grief?

Everyone experiences grief differently, so it is important to understand that the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) are not universally experienced by all bereaved individuals. The five stages model helps us categorize and breakdown grief to normalize our response to loss. However, grief researchers and professionals recognize that there are variations and fluidity of grief responses. That means you likely won’t progress through these stages sequentially. Instead, you may cycle through them several times or you may not even experience some of them at all.

What if I don’t think I'm grieving at all?

Not everyone experiences distress and significant difficulty after a loss. Some individuals respond to loss with resilience or relief. This does not mean that they care or love the deceased any less nor does it mean that their grief is unfinished, or that they have a problem.

Who should I talk to about my grief?

Support from friends and family can prevent grief from becoming debilitating. However, there are circumstances where grief is especially painful or long lasting. In these cases, psychotherapy, support groups and other similar resources can help with coping, processing, and moving forward. Just know, it’s okay to seek help and it’s okay to not be okay. If you're interested in learning more about the subtypes of grief and grief counseling, read this article.

What are some considerations when talking to someone who is grieving?

Understanding the nature of grief can help people become more supportive and empathic to those who need it. The circumstances of a loss have a significant impact on the grieving process. Deaths that are unexpected, stigmatized, or traumatic in nature can complicate the grieving process. Other contributing factors to a person’s grieving process include personal factors such as a strained relationship with the deceased, history of mental illness, feelings of guilt, or prolonged grief.

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