How to plan a funeral for someone who just passed.

If you’re looking to pre plan a funeral, please read this funeral planning article instead.

At After Goodbye, we know how hard it is to lose someone. What makes it even harder is if the person who passed didn’t have a funeral plan. There is a lot to manage in the coming weeks, days and hours, so we do our best to make this whole process as easy as possible. We hope to save you time, so you can focus on what matters most; being present with your friends and family during this tough time.

Before we start, did your loved one have a funeral plan? If so, that will make this process much easier as they may have already pre-planned arrangements with a specific funeral home or what their funeral preferences were. Most often, people will record their wishes in their will. Any information you can find will make your planning much easier. If you have the funeral plans of your loved one, then the below will still be able to help answer any questions you may have. If not, please read on to understand what to do next.

1. Choose how you want to lay your loved one to rest

If you plan to follow any religious traditions, then this may already be decided for you. Otherwise, you have many options for laying your loved one to rest. The main types of disposition (AKA methods of being laid to rest) are cremation and burial which account for 95% of funerals in the US in 2021. Other options that exist or are becoming more mainstream include entombment, water cremation and natural organic reduction.

Cremation is the most common disposition in the US accounting for 58% of funerals in 2021, and growing.

• There are many reasons why more people each year are choosing cremation, however the most common reason is that cremations tend to be cheaper, since you don’t need to purchase things like a cemetery plot or a casket. However, that doesn’t mean there aren’t plenty of memorialization options for cremated remains (AKA Ashes).

Burial is a more traditional method of disposition accounting for 37% of US funerals in 2021.

• Traditionally, the body is placed in a casket and lowered into a cemetery plot with an “outer burial container” that prevents the cemetery ground from caving in. Burial funerals tend to be more expensive than cremation funerals due to the need to purchase a casket, an outer burial container and a cemetery plot. However, other burial options are starting to gain traction, such as green burials which are defined by the Green Burial Council as the process of burial without any toxic preparation of the body and use of only organic containers and materials.

Entombment is considered an above ground burial, with the deceased entombed in a mausoleum.

• If you’ve been to a cemetery before, you’ve seen the large structures towering over tombstones; these are Mausoleums. And in mausoleums you will find caskets that have been entombed. While this is much less common as it is often very expensive, it's an option for those who do not want to be underground.

Water cremation, also known as Alkaline Hydrolysis, is the water version of cremation.

• Yup, it’s a thing and it's exactly what it sounds like. The water is an alkaline solution that naturally decomposes the body, while jets gently circulate the water. What's left are called "hydrolized remains" and can be kept in an urn, similar to cremated remains. However, water cremation is currently only available in select states.

Natural organic reduction is the natural decomposition of human remains into nutrient rich soil.

• One such company, called Recompose, describes the process as laying the body in a vessel surrounded by wood chips, alfalfa, and straw, where microbes will naturally break the body down. The entire process takes between six to eight weeks and produces a cubic yard of soil which can be used to plant a tree or fertilize a garden. If it's too much for you take with you, you can donate it to a state park.

2. Decide how you want to celebrate your loved one’s life

Do you want to gather friends and family together in the presence of your loved one? Would you prefer not to have any services at all? We explain your options below, however we encourage you to consider services that can help you process grief. It's no surprise that the loss of a loved one can take a significant toll on our overall well-being. Every culture around the world has developed a series of traditions and rituals to honor the deceased, which can help us process our grief and have a sense of closure. Funerals help us accept the reality of a loss and experience that grief, so that we may move forward. That's not to say you must have a traditional funeral if you want to process your grief. What's important is that you do something to confront your loss, instead of putting it off. You can read more about how we experience grief, however common funeral rituals that can help you process grief include:

• Seeing the body before it is laid to rest.

• Gathering friends and family for a ceremony to share stories and memories.

• Having a place or item of significance for your loved ones to remember you.

As we mentioned above, in most cultures funerals are a tradition and tradition implies following customary procedures. While funerals today tend to be personalized to the individual, they will generally follow a similar structure. Below, we've listed out customary services you will encounter when making arrangements. These services include a visitation, funeral service, graveside service, memorial service, reception or repast and cremation witnessing. Since they are customary, they also tend to follow a similar order. If you are familiar with these services from other funerals you may have been to, skip ahead to learn about the various ways you can combine these customs for a funeral.

A Visitation is a gathering for family and friends to come together in the presence of the body, be it an open or closed casket.

• What is the difference between a Visitation, Viewing and a Wake? These are all different terms for the same service. There may be subtle differences between them, for example a wake is technically the term for an Irish Catholic visitation. However they all refer to having a public gathering with the body present.

• Where does a visitation take place? Most of the time visitations take place at the funeral home, however it is possible to hold this service in another place that is special to you or your family.

• How long is a visitation? Visitations can range from 1 to 8 hours, but timing is dependent on things like; how many people you expect to attend, funeral home time requirements and your budget. There may even be multiple days of visitations to allow time for out of town guests to arrive.

• What else should I know about a visitation? While it is illegal for funeral homes to require embalming when taking someone into their care, most will require the body to be embalmed for an open casket viewing. Some funeral homes will allow you to have a closed casket visitation without embalming, however they may require you to purchase a specific type of casket.

A Funeral Service is also a gathering of family and friends but for the purpose of having a final religious ceremony.

• Where does a funeral service take place? A funeral service is typically held in a place of religious or cultural significance. For Catholics, this would be held at a church or chapel.

• How long is a funeral service? A funeral service is typically as long as the regular religious ceremony being performed.

• When does the funeral service take place? The funeral service takes place on the day the deceased is being laid to rest. For burials, this is the day the body will be buried. For cremations, this is the day the body will be cremated.

• What else should I know about a funeral service? If there is a specific religious leader you would like to oversee the ceremony, you should get in contact with as soon as possible so the funeral director can coordinate the service with them.

A Graveside Service, sometimes called a committal service, is a last rites ceremony performed graveside before the deceased is buried. Timing and cost depends on the cemetery, but graveside services are typically less than 30 minutes.

• Where does a graveside service take place? At the cemetery grave where the deceased will be buried.

• How long is a graveside service? Timing depends on a few factors; cemetery requirements, if you had a funeral service or visitation earlier that day, if it is a religious service, if you are receiving any special honors (like a 21 gun salute).

• When does the graveside service take place? The graveside service takes place immediately before burial.

A Memorial Service is similar to a visitation, with the difference being that the cremated remains or a photo are present, instead of the body. Typically, speeches are made and memories are shared in honor of the deceased.

• Where does a memorial service take place? Funeral homes typically offer their facilities for this service, but it can also be held at other locations significant to the deceased. Common locations include a home, restaurant, park or even a bar.

• How long is a memorial service? Timing for a memorial service depends on the requirements of the location, number of guests attending and the type of service you have. For example, if there are many people that will want to give speeches in honor of the deceased, you may need more time.

• When does the memorial service take place? A memorial service takes place after the deceased has been cremated, buried or laid to rest by some other means.

• What else should I know about a memorial service? The main benefit of a memorial service is the flexibility in timing. Since only the cremated remains or a photo are present, the service can be held days, weeks, even months after someone was laid to rest. However, most people tend to hold it within a couple weeks of the deceased being laid to rest as they are newly mourning and grieving.

A Reception, sometimes called Repast, is a party held after the deceased is laid to rest. The idea is to gather with friends and family to celebrate, to eat and to start the process of healing.

• Where does a reception take place? While many funeral homes offer their facilities for a reception, it is common to have the reception at a local restaurant, home or another place special to the deceased.

• How long is a reception? The length of the reception depends on the requirements of the location and the number of guests attending. Though, a reception will typically last between 1 and 4 hours.

• When does a reception take place? A reception is usually the last big gathering after the deceased is laid to rest. If there is a memorial service, this will typically take place immediately after the service. For burials, this will take place after the graveside service.

• What else should I know about a reception? The ability to host a reception really varies by funeral home. Not all funeral homes are able to serve food in their facilities and some states outright ban their ability to do so. You should speak with your funeral director first, if you are planning to use the funeral home for a reception.

A Private Viewing is a simple and less expensive way of viewing the deceased at the funeral home if you don’t plan on having a formal visitation. They usually involve the funeral director preparing the deceased and placing them in a room suitable for viewing.

• Where does a private viewing take place? A private viewing takes place in the funeral home. Though, where in the funeral home can vary. Some may make use of a visitation room, while others may simply use a small, informal room.

• How long is a private viewing? Typically private viewings are short, as there are no services or large gatherings taking place and are reserved for a small group of people, usually immediate family only.

• When does a private viewing take place? Private viewings typically occur before any other funeral services or visitations.

• What else should I know about private viewings? Most of the time a private viewing will consist of the deceased being covered by a sheet and the funeral director will make them presentable in a room. It may be possible that you can rent a casket and have the deceased dressed for the viewing, but this varies by funeral home and you should consult with the funeral director first before expecting they will provide this level of service.

A Cremation Witnessing is for a small group of people, often immediate family, to watch the deceased enter the cremation chamber and be cremated. Some crematories will actually let you initiate the cremation process. This symbolic gesture is cremation’s equivalent to placing soil on a casket before it is buried. This acknowledgment can be a helpful step in the healing process.

• Where does a cremation witnessing take place? A cremation witnessing takes place at the crematory in a private room with a window to watch the deceased enter the cremation chamber and be cremated.

• How long is a cremation witnessing? A cremation can take between 3 and 4 hours. Typically a crematory will let you stay the entire time and you may stay or leave at your discretion.

• When does a cremation witnessing take place? This typically will happen after any other funeral services have taken place, aside from a memorial service which will happen on a later date. It is unlikely that you will receive the cremated remains on the same day as the witnessing, but you should check with the crematory to make sure.

Other non-customary services you should be aware of include cash advances and embalming.

A Cash Advance is a commonly purchased item or service you may want or need that the funeral home does not provide but will help you obtain at no additional cost.

For example, you may want to hire a musician to play at a funeral service. The musician's fee is not determined by the funeral home, nor is it marked up by the funeral home. However, the funeral director will coordinate with and pay the musician on your behalf, so you don’t need to worry about it. Cash advances will be listed on your statement of funeral goods and services in its own section to make it clear what costs are from the funeral home and what are not.

Embalming is the process of replacing a body’s fluids with a formaldehyde solution to delay decomposition.

Once a body has been embalmed, it does not need to be refrigerated. If you’ve been to an open casket viewing before, chances are you were looking at an embalmed body as most funeral homes will require embalming for an open casket viewing. Though, its important to note that by law embalming is not required to be purchased for a funeral. However, most funeral homes will require embalming if you select certain services, like a viewing.

As mentioned above, these funerals services can be considered customs. Therefore, to make the arrangement process easier, funeral homes will combine commonly purchased services into packages. These packages are intended to help you understand at a high level what type of funeral fits your wants, needs and budget. By law, however, you are not required to purchase any items in a package that you do not want. Below, we've listed common packages you will find at a funeral home. Please note that each of them contains the following base services:

• Pickup and transfer of the deceased from the place of death to the funeral home.

• Refrigeration of the deceased to slow down decomposition.

• Transfer of the deceased to the cemetery or crematory.

• If cremation was chosen, return of the cremated remains.

Direct Cremation or Direct Burial, sometimes known as Immediate Burial

• These are the lowest cost options you have at a funeral home as they only include the above mentioned services. When you select one of these packages, it does not include the ability to view the deceased before they are laid to rest.

• CAUTION: Please be aware of low cost cremation providers who advertise low direct cremation prices online. Oftentimes these funerals will cost the same as a funeral home once you add in the required fees. They may also transport your loved one upwards of 300 miles away to cremate them. There are good low cost providers out there, however it is recommended that you do your research on these companies to make sure you know how they operate before you commit to any arrangements.

Cremation or Burial with a Private Viewing

• This is the lowest cost option that also includes the ability to view the deceased before they are laid to rest, with a private viewing.

Burial with a Graveside Service

• A graveside service offers the option to have a ceremony before the deceased is laid to rest. This does not include a viewing of the deceased, but you can add a private viewing if the funeral home offers it, or even a full visitation.

Cremation or Burial with a Memorial Service

• A memorial service offers the option to have a gathering after the burial or cremation. This does not include a viewing of the deceased, but you can add a private viewing if the funeral home offers it, or even a full visitation.

Cremation or Burial with a Funeral Service and Memorial Service

• A Funeral service gives you the ability to have a religious ceremony before the deceased is laid to rest and the memorial service lets you have a gathering after. This does not include an open casket viewing of the deceased, however the funeral director can likely arrange that for you, though you will likely need to include embalming as well.

Traditional Cremation or Burial

• These are the most expensive funeral options as they typically include the most services;

  • Up to 3 visitations at the funeral home

  • Embalming (if they are open casket visitations)

  • A funeral service

  • A graveside service (in the case of a burial)

• They may also include a reception, so be sure to discuss with the funeral director if that’s an option you would like to include.

3. Select the funeral merchandise you'll need

Depending on the services you choose to include in your funeral, you may need to purchase merchandise like a casket, outer burial container, grave marker or an urn. Merchandise is often the largest expense you will incur when making funeral arrangements. For example, caskets prices range from $1,000 to $30,000 for the highest end caskets. Casket prices vary by the material used, however the national median cost of a casket is about $2,500. Therefore, it is important you understand your rights as a consumer when purchasing funeral merchandise. You can purchase a casket or an urn from the funeral home or you may purchase them online and the funeral home must handle it for you, without charging you a fee. These are part of your rights as a consumer under the FTC's Funeral Rule. If you're unsure of the benefits of purchasing a casket online or through the funeral home, we've listed out some of the pros and cons of each:

1. Purchasing a casket online

Pros:

• You have a wider selection of merchandise to choose from.

• Prices tend to be cheaper than by purchasing through a funeral home.

Cons:

• Deliveries may not arrive on time and since most funerals take place within a few days after death, timing is critical.

• Since caskets are large, heavy items they are prone to being damaged during shipping and delivery.

• If a casket arrives damaged or is different than what you ordered, you likely won't have enough time to return it and receive a new one before the services.

• Shipping cost usually not included.

2. Purchasing a casket from the funeral home

Pros:

• Guaranteed to have the casket on time and in good condition. Most funeral homes can get a casket replacement from their supplier within 24 hours if its damaged at no additional cost to you.

• Guaranteed to get the right casket.

• You can see the casket at the funeral home before you choose to purchase it, so you know exactly what you're getting.

• Shipping cost is included.

Cons:

• Caskets are marked up by the funeral home and are therefore more expensive.

If you choose a burial funeral, you may need to purchase a casket, outer burial container and a grave marker:

• A casket, sometimes called a coffin, can come in all different sizes and materials. There are plus-sized caskets, caskets for children, even caskets for pets. They may be made from wood, metal, cloth or natural materials like wicker or bamboo. The options are endless, but so are the prices. Caskets are often the most expensive purchase made for a funeral, so it's important to be mindful of your budget when selecting one.

  • Rental caskets are an option for those who want to have a viewing in a traditional looking casket, but want to have the burial in an alternative container or natural casket. Not all funeral homes offer rental caskets and you may be limited to a smaller selection, so be sure to discuss your options with the funeral director before you make a decision.

  • Alternative Containers are basic containers often made of sturdy cardboard or fiberboard. These are the most commonly used containers for cremations and the lowest cost as well. If you use a rental casket, you may also need to purchase an alternative container for the actual burial.

• An outer burial container, sometimes called a burial vault, is a concrete or granite structure that surrounds the casket in the cemetery plot. These may be required by a cemetery to help prevent the ground from caving in.

• A grave marker, sometimes called a headstone or a tombstone, is concrete or granite structure at the head of the grave that identifies the plot with the deceased’s name, dates of life, and sometimes personal inscriptions. Grave markers come in all different shapes and sizes. They may be as simple as a plaque laid into the ground, or as unique as one made by an artisan headstone maker.

  • Depending on the grave marker you choose, it may take weeks or months to create and ship to the cemetery. Therefore you may need to purchase a temporary grave marker to identify the grave in the meantime.

• A casket nameplate is a small adornment attached to the casket, inscribed with details about the person, like their name, birthplace and dates of life. The main purpose of it is to be able to identify the person in rare situations like if it needs to be disinterred or moved elsewhere. For metal caskets, this may come included as a part of the casket but if not it will need to be purchased separately.

If you choose a cremation funeral, you may need to purchase an urn and an alternative container. However if you choose to have a visitation or another service, you may prefer to rent a casket as well:

• A cremation casket is any casket that has little or no metal in it, as most non-metal caskets can be cremated. Many people don’t know that the body needs to be laid in a container before it is put into a cremator. If you are planning to have any services before the cremation, like a visitation, you may want to purchase a casket that can also be cremated. Alternatively, you can choose to rent a casket for the services and then transfer the body to an alternative container for cremation. Please see above for the definitions of a rental casket and an alternative container.

  • Natural material caskets, sometimes called eco-friendly caskets, are a great option for cremation as the natural materials will be less harsh on the environment than a wood casket.

• An Urn is a small container that holds the ashes after a cremation. Urns come in all different shapes, sizes and forms. You can purchase urns for specific functions, like a scattering urn if you plan to be scattered. You also do not have to purchase an urn before a cremation occurs. Most crematories will provide you with a temporary container, which is essentially a small cardboard box, to hold the ashes while you decide on an urn, or another memorialization option.

  • There are a lot of other options for memorializing ashes aside from scattering, burying or keeping in an urn. These options use the ashes as a part of the product. Below is a short list of a few unique options you have with ashes:

    • Jewelry, called Keepsakes, hold a small amount of ashes in them and can be worn. These include bracelets, rings, necklaces and more.

    • You can have ashes turned into a diamond (or several).

    • Ashes can be turned into a coral reef.

    • You can put ashes into fireworks and go out with a bang.

    • Ashes can be sent into outer space or even to the moon.

    • You can have ashes mixed into tattoo ink and get a tattoo.

    • And more.

  • An urn vault is a concrete or granite structure that surround the urn in a cemetery plot, similar to an outer burial container for caskets. Many people choose to bury cremated remains in a cemetery plot and an urn vault may be required by the cemetery to keep the ground level and avoid sunken plots.

4. Decide how you’ll pay for the funeral

If your loved one had a funeral plan they may have already paid for services with a funeral home or set aside funds for the funeral with an account, trust or insurance policy. If your loved one didn’t have a funeral plan, chances are they did not set aside money for their funeral either which means you’ll be responsible for the cost.

Ways you can pay for the funeral cost include using funds from the estate, crowdfunding from friends and family, veteran benefits, state and medicaid benefits, or paying out of pocket.

1. Pay with funds from the estate.

If funds are available in the estate, you may be able to request some of it be set aside for funeral expenses. Life insurance settlements are commonly used for this purpose. However, it can take months to settle an estate and you will still need to pay out of pocket to cover immediate costs with the funeral home.

2. Get reimbursed from your state.

Each state has programs to help those who are unable to pay for services. You should consult with your state’s social services department on your options and to see if you qualify. Most programs are designed to assist low-income families and those with solvent estates.

3. Get reimbursed from the federal government through FEMA or the Social Security Administration:

• FEMA. If your loved one died of covid, FEMA may cover up to $9,000 in funeral expenses. To see if you qualify for the reimbursement, read more on their site.

• Social Security Administration (SSA). Spouses or children may be eligible to receive a $255 special lump sum death payment if they were living with the loved one in the month they died. You can check the full eligibility criteria on the SSA’s website.

4. Crowdfund expenses.

You can choose to ask friends and extended family to contribute towards expenses using gofundme.

5. Pay out of pocket.

The next of kin and family members will need to use their own funds to pay for the arrangements. This will almost always be required while you wait to be reimbursed by any of the above methods, if applicable.

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